ults cap!!!! misogynistic homophobic all-around bigot ults cap.
created by mark millar, he was introduced as an angry, exaggerated caricature of a dudebro’s misunderstanding of the worst aspects of 616 captain america. he’s SUPER ANGRY ALL THE TIME, BECAUSE THE 1940S WERE THE BEST TIME PERIOD EVER AND YOUNG LADIES DIDN’T DRESS LIKE SLUTS AND IT WAS OK TO SAY THE N WORD. mark millar does not understand captain america.
anyways. ults cap is frozen for 70 years and wakes up to find his fiancee married his best friend bucky barnes, who was like, a war photographer/journalist who followed captain america around? or something, anyways they married and are super old now and bucky’s dying of cancer. and steve is ANGRY AND SAD. and then he joins the ultimates and things happen and george w. bush asks him if the 21st century is cool or uncool and he says
thanks ults cap!!!!
and then….things happen and steve is SO SAD AND ANGRY. he moves back into his old neighborhood which has become a crime-ridden ghetto with a lot of punk kids who heckle him and he’s angry about it. and he dates janet van dyne and beats the shit out of her abusive ex husband hank pym and she is angry at him for that (for…reasons???) and he’s confused and angry about that too. he’s so angry.
at some point, steve is sent to fight an evil captain america from the 1960s who beats him up and takes him prisoner. steve escapes by biting a venomous snake and spitting the venom in evil cap’s eyes, which is SICK and AWESOME. and then he beats evil cap up and gives hawkeye a bible. or something. that might happen at another point I’m not sure.
and then it’s revealed that when he died, his fiancee gail was pregnant (ults cap got BUSY during the war) and the government took her baby and raised him in a secret facility to be their next super soldier. only he turned out INSANE and cut his own face off and killed everyone in the camp he was raised in and turned into the red skull. and then steve stabbed him with a jet. and steve is sad and angry about his son being crazy and dead and it’s very sad :(
steve is so upset and angered by all this that he runs off to live in the desert and grow a beard and eat rattlesnakes. apparently he acquired the taste for snake from that one time.
and then more things happen and reed richards nukes washington DC and ults cap comes back and is elected president through popular election!!! that’s not how the us electoral system works but who cares!!!!!! president cap!!!!!!!! president cap is amazing. AMERICA IS HIS WHITE HOUSE. he is president for a while and tony wants to be his vice pres but he’s like “tony you’re a drunk loser don’t touch me.” ults steve doesn’t like tony even though he’s like one of ults tony’s only 2 friends.
tony even repaints his armor in steve’s colors and steve still doesn’t like him. haha tony.
then steve resigns as president because he’s Too Patriotic and the ultimates do things for a while. steve is less angry but he wears a shirt that looks exactly like his uniform and it’s kind of weird. that’s weird, steve. and then galactus shows up and sets new jersey on fire, and the ultimates can’t do anything about it!!! nothing works against galactus!!!! new jersey is on fire!!!!! galactus just stands around for 4 issues while everyone FREAKS OUT and then ults cap flies a jet into galactus’s mouth and explodes. it doesn’t do anything but ults cap dies. RIP ults cap.
they have a funeral for him and tony drinks a martini while giving steve’s eulogy and cries a lot.
and that’s the beautiful ballad of ults cap